Sadness.. Melancholy.. Numb.. that's what I'm feeling right now.. I had just undergone D&C procedure on September 11, 2007. My baby passed away.. miscarriage. Of all people, I've never thought I am one of them.
Those was our happy days.. Ismail and myself. We are so blessed that I'm finally pregnant. The first time we checked, the baby was 8 weeks. We went to our GP clinic, did some general check up and the dr prescribed folic acid for my daily intake.
Baby at 10 weeks...
2 weeks later, we felt that it's time for further check up. We decided to go to the specialist (gyne..) since I was having a terrible time dealing with my morning sickness. I puked most of the time, everyday.. my back hurts.. felt dizzy at all times.. and fatigueness... In my own thoughts, maybe there's something wrong.. is the baby sick? Is my womb fine? So, I persuaded Is to have the baby scanned for the first time. We had a long discussion on who will be the gynecologist for our first baby. Two names came out. They were Dr Noraini of Sunway Medical Hospital or Dr Idris of Pantai Medical Hospital. Dr Idris has his own clinic at Taman Tun Dr Ismail. We figured, we'd better get our pre-check up there.
Saturday: September 8, 2007...
It was 12 p.m and it was almost closing time. The clinic was empty except us, the receptionist and the Dr. Unfortunately, Dr Idris was not in. So, we settled with his daughter Dr Ida who was in charge of the clinic at that time. Hm.. maybe she is a skillful Dr. But, after having a session with her, we conclude that she is not a patient-oriented-doctor, considering the way she communicates/treating her patient (I was her patient..).
She conveyed to us the bad news. My tummy was scanned. She couldn't find the baby's heartbeat.. "i tak nampak apa2 kat sini, so kene check dari bawah". I was really scared. Then, she technically raised her voice, "You kene la bagi cooperation. You nak tengok/nak tau baby you ke tak? Kalau you pergi mana2 pun, diorang kene buat prosedur yang sama jugak.Kalau you tak bagi cooperation, susah la." We were pissed off, but I finished the session somehow, thinking that we are paying from our pocket money so at least we gain something out of it. She diagnosed that the size of the baby was only 8 weeks 4 days while the baby size was supposed to be 10 weeks. She left us with 2 options, 1st is to straightaway go for D&C or re-scan after two weeks. Well, that will be the first and the last time I'm seeing that woman. I heard Dr Idris is a very good Dr, but from our experience, not the daughter I suppose. I believe every gynecologist should have an honest heart and have compassions within their hearts because they are dealing with a delicate human life, the baby.. and the delicate feelings of the parents, especially a couple who's expecting their first baby..like us.
We went home. I cried all the way home.. I was feeling very sad for the baby and also angry at the Dr. We talked to Mama about what happened. I cried in Mama's arms. Is strongly wants us to get second opinion. At least from a Dr who we can talk to. I was in shocked all day, brokedown all night but at the same time, hoping for good news from another Dr on Monday.
Sunday: September 9, 2007...
We stayed at Mama's house. Last night when we went home to our house, I found my fish was dead. It was on the same day when we've got the bad news. Isn't it ironic? Considering my emotions were quite unstable, we decided to stay at Mama's house for one night. On Sunday, the whole house had lunch at Damansara Uptown, the Hainanese Chicken Rice Shop. That's where the best mango salad in Klang Valley. I'm not sure whether everybody was in good mood.. but I do know that I'm not. Mama wanted to head straight home after lunch because it was a very very hot day. While, Fazly has an appointment with his friend.
It was 3 pm when we reached home. Suddenly, we remembered that today is the last day of MATTA fair. Is persuaded me to go check out the promotional air fares although I've expressed myself to him that I wasn't in the mood to run around. We arrived at PWTC at 5 pm and moved to international halls as fast as we could.There, we saw lots of attractive travel packages. Is wants to go travel outside Asia region. We booked a couple of tickets to Cairo for 2 weeks in December 2007. I knew he was frustrated with yesterday's news and hoping our Cairo breakaway will soften our sad thoughts of losing the baby.
Yes, later that day, he told me, "Whatever happens to the baby, is already written in our fate. If the baby is gone, we must accept it with open heart. Allah loves our child. What matters, we must not lose hope and and not to be afraid to try again. You are not alone, I'm with you. Stay with me and we'll go through this together." We held in each other arms and wept. Alhamdulilllah... Thank you Allah for your blessings, for the great gift of having a great man in my life. Yes, when we open up to people, you're letting the good in. The best part is, you let other people the opportunity to lend you a hand and support you when you're in need. I'm grateful that person is my other half. You must treasure, appreciate and love your other half because that's what you need the most. A balance. To love and to be loved.
Monday: September 10, 2007...
The Day. Everyone i.e. myself, Is, Mama and Kak Mis woke up early and ready to go to the hospital. After making a few calls to the hospitals, finally we had an appointment with Dr Maziah, a specialist at Damansara Specialist Hospital. I was scared. Mama and Is hugged me at all times trying to comfort me and keep on telling me not to be scared. We met Dr. Maziah. She's a good doctor.She was nice to us and understanding towards me. She asked me to lie down on her patient's bed and asked me to get ready for baby scan. She took the scanning tool and placed it slightly below my stomach. At first, she said she could not see any heartbeat so she has to perform another procedure to determine whether the baby is fine. I was frustrated and knew that something is wwong with the baby. Later, she explained to us about the image on screen. She pictured the baby, the placenta and my womb. For a 10 weeks old baby, the baby should have shown a sign of heartbeat. Too bad, the baby was not growing after 8 weeks. The baby could not make it and Dr confirmed the baby has passed away for more than one week. Dr Maziah strongly suggest to perform D&C as soon as possible. Since the baby has passed away and stayed in my womb for almost two weeks, she was quite worried that I would risk internal poisonous caused by the baby (actually they called my passed away baby as 'the dead cells'). In medical term, I was having hidden miscarriage. That is why I did not see this coming. No blood stain at all. If we did not go to see the Dr to scan our baby at the first place, I would have face dangerous health complications. Dr Maziah advised us i.e. Mama, Is and I that we should not focus on the 'Whys'. There are various reasons which would've caused the miscarriage. Lack of hormones, weak womb, imcompatible combination of cells, etc. Based on medical analysis, most miscarriaged babies within 0-3 months old, even if they are fully formed as a baby, they would not have survived in the real world. Nevertheless, my beloved baby, Mummy will always imagine you as a perfect baby. Mummy and daddy will always love you..
Tuesday: September 11, 2007
D&C operation was scheduled today. Is and Mama accompanied me to the hospital. I was admitted at 9.00 am in daily ward. Mama and Is were with me that made me felt less nervous. The nurse took me into the operation theatre around 10.00 am. Ya Allah.. the bius was very painful. I remembered I panted and coughed few times before I was out. It was very very painful. No wonder the Aesthetic Dr warned me that I would feel slightly painful. When I woke up, it was 10.40 am. Hm.. that's just a short time. According to the nurses, actual D&C procedure took only 10 minutes. Hmm.. makes me wonder, how? Few seconds after I opened my eyes, Is and Mama entered the ward. I was relieved. Thanks Is! Thanks Mama! Oh.. I ached at every inch of my body. My back was unspeakable painful. I'm having the back pain until now. I touched my lower stomach where I used to caress my baby. I felt empty.. I cried, I wept. My heart aches. My mind numbs. When the nurse gave us our baby (they called our baby 'the specimen') I felt sorry for the baby. Thinking how you would have become. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by guilt. Was it because of me? Did I cause all this to happen? I started blaming myself endlessly. I bottled up everything inside at that time. I just cried and cried... at times I stopped.. when there were people around me. I felt ashamed. It seemed everybody was pointing their fingers at me. It's like everybody was saying to me, "A good Mom should know how to take care of her child, keep them safe. How come you could miscarriage your own baby? You are not a good Mom". No. It was my imagination. Is and Mama talked to me, telling me that they do feel sad, but they would never blame me for what happened. If they do, they would have never accompany me and go through this together.
At 11.30, I was taken to Dr Maziah's clinic on a wheelchair. There, she gave some advise and prescribed my medication. During the session, suddenly I felt dizzy. I told everyone, I want to lie down. My head felt heavy, my visions were blur and my ears were slightly deaf. The last thing I remembered, Is and Dr Maziah was pulling me off the wheelchair and technically carried me to the clinic bed. Well, everybody was worried I guess. Even the Dr herself. She performed some check ups and scanning. She found out I was having hypothermia. She said, I was in shocked, low sugar, low blood pressure and emotional distress at the same time. I was lucky I fainted at her clinic, not at home. Finally,I was in the car heading home. It was 10 minutes drive. As soon I was out of the car, I puked in front of the house. It was embarrassing. Mama, my mother in law, is an amazing woman! She took care of me as if I am biological daughter. Ya Allah.. thank you very much for your blessings. We buried our baby at my parents' house. It was memorable to us, we did the ceremony by ourselves. Is buried our baby. I took some flowers and let them rest on top. Goodbye Baby... Rest In Peace.. Amin.. Ya Rabbala'lamin..
Friday: September 21, 2007
12 days have passed. Now, I'm resting on my bed. Telling the story of my life. An experience I will never forget yet would not want to remember. My womb takes at least 2 months for full recovery. I'm still having major back pains. Uncomfortable situation during toilet business. Body aches make me could not endure carrying heavy things. I can only walk slowly. Sometimes I laugh imagining to see myself now. I don't wear pants, I wear 'kain batik' (cloth) so I can mover easier. I don't know what to do with my hair.. Wear socks 24 hours. Ugh.. I know I look terrible. Right now, I'm in confinement period..but without a baby.. Sad isn't it? When the thought triggers.. I just can't help myself and broke into tears. Only if it's either when I'm all alone or with my hubby, Is. 2 days left before I start working again. I hope I can cope with this. Sometimes, Is just said I'm still traumatized for what had happened. It felt like yesterday... and I will be having the same feeling again and again. I'm not ready to say goodbye.. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my baby... I hope I will see you in the next life so I could kiss you, hug you, tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am. Amin...